I’m going to start by saying to myself that I’m Bisexual. I’m writing because it, for some reason, helps release all of this stress, and pressure that is building up. I’m only going to tell myself and some of my friends. I will never ever tell my family. It would kill me. I don’t know how they would react and I don’t want to find out. My friends loved that I was what I am, and have totally accepted me. I also have a bisexual friend in Indiana who has been going through the same thing as me. Each other – it’s funny shit. He’s my best guy friend. I’m not looking for anybody. I like my best friend Catherine but she doesn’t want to go out with me even thought we have so much in common. I’m not trying to find a boyfriend, I like almost all the boys I see, but I know it would just be a body call. I’m looking for some boy who is a little bit older or my age who will cuddle, kiss and just want to be with me. I want I crave that. I need that.
I try not to act too desperate but my friends can tell. I hate the way I walk and talk and run. I don’t run that much because it makes me look gay and I’m not gay, I’m half gay. LOL I just can’t wait for my first kiss .Or when we snuggle just thinking about it gets me excited. It’s going to be so right. If someone I didn’t know found out about me and told other people and made a big deal I would go insane on that person. I just can’t wait till some boy holds me in their arms and cuddles me and caresses me and we just sit there and kiss it’s going to be so right. I’m only talking about boys because I love my best friend who is a girl, I think she knows but I’m not sure. I would love to go out with her. She will never know how much I like her, but well, that takes care of girlfriends. People think I’m gay because of the way I walk and talk; I don’t like it at all. I hate the way I run. It’s fast but it makes me look gay then people start asking questions and they tell other people I’m not ready to tell anyone. I’ll only tell them if they ask me. They ask me if I’m gay I’ll say no only half gay LOL. I just hope that they can accept me for who I am. I really don’t take well to people who don’t like gays and bis. I’ll never tell a boy that I’m bisexual, because here’s how it will play out. Are you gay? No, only half gay. Eww! I bet you like me to gross. That is how it will go. I cannot take that. I’ll only tell that boy if I trust him and he seems fine with it; or if it is a boy that likes me. There is this boy at k12 who winks at me I know he’s not gay but it is kinda like teasing me. He’s really cute and does this on purpose. He does not know I’m bi. But it’s like killing me he’s really cute; every time he does that it teases me. I have always fantasized that some boy will like me and I’ll be at his house and will sneak off to or will be lying in his bed and he lean over and kiss me then I’ll kiss him then we’ll just kinda roll around a little bit kissing and we’ll go from there. Same for a girl.
I just wish I could meet somebody soon. I’m really lonely. All of my friends have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I feel left out. Right now I feel I need a boyfriend and fast. I can’t wait to be able to hold him and him hold me just lying there kissing and holding each other. I can’t wait for that. Or for someone to tell me they’re gay or bi and help them through this. O god I can’t wait for some boy to say, “I love you Edward”. But that will never happen because of the way I look, that’s probably why I don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I’m just that annoying person that no one wanted to play with or talk to cause he was weird looking skinny and limp. I’m not people think I am but I’m not. Once I start working people rethink what they have said. I hated myself when one of my supposed friends of 3 years told me they did not want to be friends anymore. It hurt so bad. I’m getting past it though. I look forward to the next. See what the world throws at me. Every day is another challenge I wake up knowing today I probably won’t meet anyone today, even though I hope I do.