Is it o.k. to like having sex with girls more than with boys?


Hi Nisha, Thanks for coming to us with your question. I’ll try to help with your situation as best I can.

You say you’re curious as to whether or not it’s right for you to enjoy having sex with women more than men. Your concerns are based on your parents’ feelings that same sex relationships are a sin.

I’m sorry to hear that your parents’ fundamentalist religious beliefs are preventing them from accepting your sexual orientation and I’m also very sorry to hear that they are saying abusive things to you like “you will burn in hell”. I am pleased to hear, however, that you reject their notions of how God really feels about homosexuality.

Who knows why certain fundamentalist religious sects, most even, take such a strong stance against homosexuality while being relatively permissive of other more common activities which the scriptures more frequently condemn, in a way which is less ambiguous. I chalk it up to good, old-fashioned bigotry.

Many Christian sects once used the scriptures to justify slavery and the supremacy of the white race. Nowadays, the consensus of all sects seems to be that the scriptures say that God created all men equal. Many religious sects are already of the opinion that God would not create people who love people of there own sex if it was a sin to do so. Hopefully, one day all religions will agree that believing otherwise is not religion but bigotry.

The scriptures are very clear about how fornication (Sex before marriage), adultery and using birth control as well as masturbation (Ejaculating for any purpose other than impregnating a woman) are all sins. This is stressed more than same sex relations being sinful actually. If you’re using sexuality for a purpose other than procreation, you’re sinning. The details beyond this aren’t exactly important. Why gay sex is interpreted as a worse sin is nothing more than homophobia.

Obviously, this is a pretty antiquated notion of sexuality. One written in a time when an infant stood a less than one in three chance of surviving and few adults lived past 30. Things are obviously different today. It’s not practical to have 15 children, when they all survive. Half of marriages end in divorce, and that’s when the vast majority of people take the time to see if they are sexually compatible before tying the knot.

Although fundamentalist sects make some vain attempts at maintaining the old world status quo when it comes to these issues, homosexuality is viewed as more of a sin than ever before by them. More likely than not, this is just a ploy to attract homophobic conservatives to their congregation. They use religion to justify their hate but no religion is intrinsically hateful of anyone.

The bottom line is this: Be very skeptical of what any group who asks for your money tells you about what God wants you to do or not do. I don’t mean to judge or criticize anyone’s beliefs but all religions have at least some history of being used to control a population, for the gain of the state or for the clergy themselves. The more rules, the more control. The more control, the power they have.

Ask yourself this: If God created the world and all of us and he doesn’t want us to hurt or destroy any of his creation (This is what the devil wants to do, apparently, this is the basis for considering something a sin in the first place) what does two (Or more) people giving themselves joy in a consensual and physically safe, healthy way, when no prior commitments are being betrayed, harm? Why would God have a problem with this? Shouldn’t trying to prevent people from enjoying life in a safe and loving way be considered a sin? And, if not that, shouldn’t telling people to hate the way that God created them and attempting to convince them that they can’t love the only people they are capable of loving in a sexual way, at the very least, be considered a sin? Do these actions not cause harm to God’s children and does it in any way help them?

The answer to your question should be clear. You should do what feels right. If you’re respecting your body, by practicing safe sex, not involving yourself in physically dangerous situations, not subjecting yourself to emotional abuse by others, nor abusing or betraying the trust of others, you should be right by God. Your sexual preferences are your own. They are the sum of the way God made you and the way you’ve been nurtured. There’s no right or wrong answer to what you prefer. Therefore, it’s not wrong to like having sex with girls more than boys, it’s just what you prefer.

I sincerely hope that your parents will learn to accept you for who you are. I know it can be hard for them. They may be scared for you, based on what they’ve been taught but they should not be telling you that you will burn in hell. You have the right to be respected even if they don’t respect your choices and saying such things is verbal abuse.

I have a friend who is a gay man and he knew all his life that he was gay and his parents probably knew very early on too. He was raised Evangelist, one of the most fundamentalist Christian sects, and his parents continue to be devout members of the church. They might not agree with his sexual orientation, because of their religion, but they are supportive and my friend has a good and loving relationship with his parents. They would never say something hateful to him.

Good luck with your parents. Above all, have love and respect for yourself. Please write us back if you have any more questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

Philip for AlterHéros


About Philip Borden

Philip holds a baccalaureate in philosophy.

I enjoyed being involved with "Tell the experts" because I was looking for a way to help queer youth and I really enjoyed answering most of the questions so far. I feel I’m good at it and it feels good to help with people’s problems.

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