I’m a straight female but would rather be a gay male

Hi Rachael, thanks for coming to Alterheros. Your question is a complex one so I want to look at it in a few different ways.

From what I understand, you identify as a straight female who is and always has only been turned on by and attracted to gay male sexual and romantic situations. You also say that any kind of sex involving a female is repulsive to you.

First of all, it is important to make a clear separation between gender identity and sexual orientation. From your question it seems like your confusion about your sexuality and sexual preferences is causing you to question your gender. These two things should be kept completely exclusive. A male or a female can be turned on by gay or straight male or female sex and still keep their original gender. Wanting to become a male should probably be based on more than the desire to engage in gay male sex. Determining your gender identity should be based on how you feel in your own body, how you view yourself, not only how you get turned on or what kind of sex you want to have. This might be an area you want to explore a bit more to find out what you are truly feeling.

If you determine that you are happy as a woman after exploring the issue of gender a bit further (either on your own or perhaps with the help of a counsellor), you'll probably want to figure out why gay male sex is the only kind that seems exciting to you and why gay male relationships are the only ones that seem romantic to you. What is it about females having sex that repulses you so much? Is it maybe because of the images you've seen depicting typical heterosexual sex? Many people are repulsed by typical mainstream heterosexual pornography and sexual imagery because of the degradation of women and inequality shown. In fact, many women (straight and lesbian) even prefer gay male porn because of how degrading and humiliating sex involving women is portrayed in the porn industry. Do you prefer watching gay male romantic movies because of the equality and connection that is portrayed between two people of the same gender? Or, do you physically want to be in one of their bodies because you feel you can relate to it more?

Essentially, Rachael, desiring something sexually in no way determines what gender you are, should be, or want to be. There are other questions and thoughts you need to figure out before you make a decision like that, and I encourage you to do so. There is nothing wrong with being aroused by a particular kind of fantasy, and as you grow and develop your sexuality will too.

If you find yourself still confused and unable to sort through all of your thoughts, you might want to consider consulting a sexologist and maybe a therapist regarding your gender identity.

Please feel welcome to ask any more questions. I hope this has been helpful for you!

Hillary, for Alterheros

About Hillary Greer

Hillary is currently completing her Bachelor of Social Work at McGill University, hoping to continue on to her Master degree after. When she lived in Toronto, she volunteered and worked at an alternative youth and family counselling organization with Dr. Karyn Gordon. Since moving to Montreal, she has completed an internship at Head and Hands, and has now been involved with AlterHeros for almost two years! She am now doing an internship at the MAB-Mackay Rehabilitation center, working with families of young children with hearing impairments and developmental delays.

Being a part of the outreach team at AlterHeros has given me the chance to explore a wide variety of topics and connect with the queer community a bit more. I had a lot of emotional support growing up and was supported in whatever choices I made. I love being involved with Tell the Experts because it enables me to be able to connect with individuals who might be looking for that kind of support for themselves. Growing up, exploring and questioning yourself, and coming out can be difficult and sometimes scary, and I am thrilled to be able to help as many people as possible to make this journey an easier one.

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