23 septembre 2023

i'm a guy in love with my lesbian best friend

I am a straight, 20 year old, male and I am madly in love with a lesbian. I met her my first year of college, and I was so certain, from the very moment she sat down in front of me in my math class, that she was the one for me. I was absolutely heart broken when I found out she was gay. Not that I had an issue with her orientation, rather because I knew there was very little chance she could ever have feelings for me. I knew it would be best to just let it drop then and there. Yet, despite all reason, nearly two years later I have found myself even more in love with her. She is now my best friend, we share everything except the feelings I have for her. She knows this, but it is tough for us to bring the topic up and discuss it in depth. I know for my, and our friendship’s sake, it is best to move on. But my stubborn hear won’t let me. I can’t feel anything for anyone else, and I am at an absolute loss as to what I should do.

Evelyn Kuang

Hi Rob,

Thanks for submitting your question to Alterheros. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. It’s not uncommon to develop romantic feelings for a close friend and it is indeed an even more difficult situation when you discover they do not feel the same as you do. I have a few suggestions, scenarios and coping mechanisms to share with you.

First, even if it is hard to talk about, you should talk to her about this, (if you haven’t already). If she protests, tell her you need her as a friend to have this conversation with you, FOR you, however difficult it may be. A few things could come from this: maybe she has some of the same feelings as you, orientation is a fluid thing, and can change over time as with anything else in our lives. Oftentimes, relationships develop out of a genuine love and regard for a particular person – sometimes regardless of their sex, gender, orientation. I don’t want to get your hopes up and say that she will one day definitely feel like this, you obviously know your friend better than I do, and you have probably gotten a general impression of what her feelings are toward you. However, at the very least, a conversation about this will help you to confront yourself about how she feels, to confirm it aloud for yourself, so that its clear cut in your head. Then, you will have a resounding answer to that question the constantly pops up in your head ‘does she like me?’ Having this clear cut answer from her, will jumpstart you to move on with your romantic life. If she doesn’t know how she feels, do not wait for an answer – the current unhappiness I’m sensing in your relationship will further deteriorate any friendship you have left and you might develop resentment against her if you feel like she’s keeping you hanging. Either way, if she gives you an ambivalent answer or a clear ‘no’, I would still move on.

Second, to help you cope better with this situation, be more casual friends with her. I understand she’s your best friend, but so neither of your gets hurt in the long run, it might be a good idea to see her less, and distance yourself. Like you said, you know that ‘for my, and our friendship’s sake, it is best to move on.’ There is a very fine line between being really close friends with someone that you could also be potentially attracted to – erasing that possibility from your life and your interactions with her will help clear your head and provide more spare time to meet new people, and continue with other interests and activities in your life that DO have room to grow.

Lastly, you say that you cannot feel anything for anyone else, but you may only feel like this because she is your best friend, and you spend so much time with her – you are still very young and there are so many people in the world to discover and meet. Deliberately and consciously think about making yourself open to the idea of being able to have feelings for someone else, it may take awhile, and you may feel it is futile at first, but the more and more you ingrain this idea into yourself, and the more you get yourself out there to meet more people, the more it will become a reality. Have high hopes but low expectations for this, as it is perfectly normal to put everyone else you meet up to your friend’s standards. Hope for something good, be patient and open to being happy with a different kind of person – after all, this current relationship is not very healthy for you, so it does not make sense to expect or search for the same dynamic of relationship in your next partner.

I hope that has helped you somewhat, and if you have any further questions please do not hesitate to ask.

For Alterheros,