2 janvier 2008

If a girl is in love with a gay man, what should she do?

If a gay person does not get his love and he is depressed and a girl loves him, what can she do to convince him to marry her?

Lorin Young

Hi Sneha,

Thank you for your question. There are several interesting matters to be addressed from this question. First of all, there is the issue of sexuality. One’s sexual orientation is something they are born with, not something they choose. Being homosexual or bisexual or heterosexual are not choices that one decides upon. Rather, as we grow up, we find we are attracted to certain types of individuals. Yes, our environment does shape us to a certain extent and one’s expression of sexuality may vary with their social context. The environment may influence someone’s attraction in that they may find themselves more attracted to a feminine or a masculine type of person, they may prefer a short person to a tall one, or they happen to love red hair on their partners.

If we live in an environment that denies or punishes particular sexual orientations, we may end up rejecting that part of ourselves, in order to fit into the society and/or to not be punished. Other individuals, living in a more open society, may choose to experiment with other sexual orientations, after which they may identify as having another sexual orientation, whether it is by choice or a discovery of one’s true sexual identity. To insist that someone change their sexual orientation for the satisfaction of another is akin to a dismissal of one of their most fundamental qualities.

On the other hand, love involves respect for another person. Without respect for both yourself and for the object of your affection, a relationship cannot grow and evolve in a healthy manner. By entering into a relationship with the desire that the other person change a fundamental aspect of themselves, i.e. their sexual orientation, there is little foundation on which to build a healthy relationship.

In this situation, it is important that you -or the girl you are referring to- remain supportive of your friend through this time, as well as doing your best to understand who he is. If he is depressed because he cannot form a relationship with someone he cares for, it is important to be there when he needs a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. It is also important that you try to understand that your friend is homosexual, as much as you are heterosexual. Asking him to change his sexual orientation for you is similar to having someone else ask you to change your sexual orientation for them. Not only is it a lack of respect for his nature and his desires, but it may hurt a good friendship. By pushing such a sensitive issue as sexual orientation, you may lose something just as important as a partner, a friend.

Some individuals are actually attracted to many genders in varying proportions and with a different intensity. If the person you are referring to has doubts about his sexual orientation, then it would influence your behavior in this situation. Nonetheless, this is likely to be an inadequate moment to explore this, as he is undergoing a different kind of transition in his life, i.e. the loss of a romantic relationship. It would be advisable to give him some time to move on before initiating such a discussion with him.

I hope this has helped clarify the different aspects of the situation…

Please write to us again if you have other questions,

L., for AlterHeros