I think I have sadism, gender, sexuality issues
I think I may be having gender, sexuality and sadism issues.
Where gender is concerned, I’m biologically female. However, I completely loathe the idea of anyone perceiving me as such, but I know there’s no way for me to be male and I don’t want to be one. I’d prefer to be neither or both.
And I’m not attracted to men or women- but I am really attracted to the idea of them being hurt, sexually or otherwise. Whenever I hear that some young, promising person has committed suicide, or a very loved child has been murdered, it really excites me, until I realize how disgusting that is and I don’t know what to do.
Part of the reason why I don’t want to be perceived as female is because they are perceived as vulnerable- I like that on other people but not me. I don’t think any of this is right. I have no romantic options like this, I would like them, but I just don’t like other people. Am I sadistic + asexual or just messed up in the head? How can I accept it or change?
Hi Noah,
Sounds like you have a lot going on. I can understand why you are confused, frustrated, and questioning.
I don't believe anyone wants to be perceived as vulnerable, whether they are male or female. I think that most people are happier to be seen as strong, and or capable.
There are people that would be considered sexual sadists. People that are aroused, or sexually satisfied by the suffering of others. You question whether you are sadistic or not, but when you are happy because of the suffering of others, it does not last because you become disgusted with the reality of it.
By becoming disgusted by it, it can mean many things, for example that you are either not really sadistic, or that you don't like that particular aspect of yourself. When did these feelings start? Have you always had them? Was there anything in your past that might have contributed to your current feelings?
I know it is hard to think about past traumas, but sometimes when we are hurt in the past and were unable to do anything about it we develop a fear of being vulnerable again. Another thing is that when others suffer it takes the focus off of you, for a short time we transfer those feelings onto others. It can make you feel more connected, or not so alone. This might be something to think about. As I said these feelings can come from many different areas, or a combination of many.
You mention wanting romantic options, but expressed that you were not attracted to men or women. Maybe you need to accept the parts of yourself that you are having trouble with before you can contemplate a romantic relationship. The more you understand about yourself, your wants, and what you like sexually; the better your chances of finding a romantic interest.
You want to know if you are asexual, or messed up in the head, and what to do to change or accept it. The fact that you are writing here, and that you are looking for options to change is a good sign. The fact that you would like to have romantic options is also a good thing. If you want to change then you can, you just need to do some self exploration.
Have you tried to find support groups that deal with sadism issues, and/or gender issues? I know that not wanting to be seen as vulnerable might make that difficult, but it can help and you might meet people that are dealing with the very same issues you are.
Do you have any friends or close family that you can talk to? Developing a good support system to help you talk through things, and get some perspective is invaluable.
Just remember it takes a strong person to ask for help and take the steps to change.
Suzanne for Alterheros
Similaire
