I snooped in my boyfriend’s phone – is he cheating?

Hi Jessica,

Thanks for submitting your question to Alterheros. Finding information about your partner in that way is always such a hard situation. I definitely support that you want to confront him about it, because cheating is not okay and you deserve better than that. A few things:

1. Consider that he might be confused, scared to share with you, scared to admit to himself and to your relationship, introduce the bisexual side of him to you and your relationship even if you have given him opportunities and invited him to be open about it.

2. Approach him gently, and tell him you’ve noticed things between you have changed and want him to know he can be honest with you, and that you want to make things work with him. Essentially, invite him to confess to you.

3. If he still does not budge, does not open up, then confess that because you were suspecting something, and you realize it wasn’t the right thing to do, but you saw what was in his phone and you know this information now. Apologize for reading his phone, but state that you need an explanation for these messages. Assure him that having an open relationship is fine with you (if that still is the case), and that him being bisexual is also completely fine, but cheating is not. Remind him that you have spoken about having an open relationship before, and he had decidedly declined.

If he confesses that he wants an open relationship and is bisexual, and if you are ready to move on, then discuss a situation where you both can be comfortable and happy with. If however, he gets too indignant and is unapologetic about it, I think you might need to rethink whether this relationship is healthy for you. Understanding his need for privacy shouldn’t compromise your need for honesty!

Please feel free to ask any more questions if you have any at a later point.

For Alterheros,


About Evelyn Kuang

Evelyn holds a BA in Psychology, Sexual Diversity Studies, and Social Studies of Medicine. She also has work experience in Women’s Healthcare, and Sexual Healthcare Clinic. She was also an intern at a Alcohol and Substance Abuse Recovery program. In 2008, she was part of the organizers for Vagina Monologues College Campaign @ McGill.

I love counseling, education and debunking myths. I’m very passionate about sexual healthcare and seek to change the way we think, tolerate and perceive sexuality in all its facets.

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