3 octobre 2023

I didn't come out to my dad - now I keep thinking of him in a sexual way

I’m a 21 year old female in a long term relationship with another woman. I have been ‘out’ for about 3 years and have never experienced prejudice because of my sexuality, although I know my mum doesn’t really like it. I’ve never spoken to my dad about it but i know his happy as long as I am. But recently I’ve been having horrible thoughts.For example if im watching tv with a sex scene, i think of my dad. i am not attracted in anyway and get frustrated that I cant stop these thoughts. Its like my mind wants to think of him in a sexual way but i manage to distract myself although I feel angry and sick. I have no thoughts of him when I’m having sex with my partner and it happens when im not distracted or busy. the thoughts happen about 10-15 times a day and its driving me mad. I dont understand it and I want it to stop. My partner is aware and reassures me that I’m not mad, but i feel lik i am. why after 3 years of being out does this happen?


Hi Polly,

It sounds like you are in a frustrating position and I can understand why you feel the way you do. I don't think you are mad at all. There are many possible explanations for what you are going through. Having a long term girlfriend that is supportive and open to talking about things is fantastic.

When the thoughts started was there any event that might have occurred around the same time? For example did you have an argument with someone, or was some sort of negative comment made? Sometimes the smallest thing we pay no attention to can get stuck in our head and our subconscious tries to work it out in various ways.

Is it possible that there is a part of you that wants to speak to your Dad about it? Have you ever tried talking to your parents about your sexuality? Sometimes when we keep something important from people we care about it can manifest itself in different ways. That might be why it is happening after three years of you being out.

It is also possible the more you try and fight the thoughts the more dominant they become. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy where you don't want to think about it, so you do.

If the thoughts become too overwhelming, or frustrating for you to deal with there is always the option of reaching out to a counsellor. There is no need to think yourself mad, and there is nothing wrong with getting alternate perspectives. You are most definitely not alone, and there are others who may be able to shed some light on your situation. They will also be able to offer or help you learn healthy ways to deal with or handle these uncomfortable thoughts.

Suzanne at AlterHeros