I am a lesbian in love with a guy… is that possible ?

Hi Krista, and thanks for your question.

Love is without borders! It transcends genders if we allow it to. If you feel such tremendous love for this guy, there is nothing wrong with that. There are all types of love between all types of people. I know some girls who identify as lesbians but on occasion, do sleep with or date men. They choose to refer to themselves as lesbian and not bisexual because they ‘prefer’ women, but sometimes we can’t choose who we fall in love with. If it turns out to be a man, so be it!

Ask yourself what are the qualities you seek in a person in terms of building a romantic or intimate relationship. Can these questions be answered with ‘man’ or ‘woman’? If so, what about a woman or a man makes you want or not want to be with them? Are these qualities that make you sexually attracted to the person? Sexual attraction is a whole other issue. You can love someone with all your heart, but if you can’t find a physical attraction to them, it won’t work in the long run. If you feel you would be able to sleep with this guy and find him attractive, I don’t see any issue with it.

In terms of using the word ‘lesbian’ or ‘bisexual’ to describe yourself, it is truly up to you. If you feel this is the only man in the world who doesn’t ‘disgust’ you physically, you may still be a lesbian, who happened to fall for a male. If liking this guy makes you wonder if you could ever fall for another man, perhaps you might be bisexual or pansexual.

I would like to also mention that at the age of 19, you have your whole life ahead of you. Things change. Some people would have sworn they were straight until they met the right person at the age of 40, who then “turned” them gay. Some people know from birth that they are queer and would only ever be interested in their own gender. Some others go through different life ‘eras’. Lifestyle and environment has an effect on how we live our lives, and who we interact with. So, if you suddenly change environments or lifestyles, you might find yourself associating with people you never thought you would in a previous life era. These are not so much indicative of a “phase” than of a person with diversity, with tastes which may change throughout their life.

Not to force such ideas upon you, but you never know, you might decide you are ONLY interested in men some time down the road. Or you might realize you have and always will be a lesbian and that men are just gross, with the exception of this fellow you’ve mentioned. Only time will tell what’s right for you.

Don’t worry too much about the correct labels; love whom you love!


for Alterheros

About Dee Gamme

Dee holds a baccalaureate in Fine Arts in Cinema (Specialization in Film Animation). She's also an event producer/promoter in the Queer community, mainly working with independent musicians and visual artists. Dee was a volunteer in the "Tell the experts" team for 2 years before being given the opportunity to become Outreach Director. Heading the Anglophone Team since early 2009 has been a great experience!

I like being involved at AlterHeros because it helps keep me in touch with the Queer community. I also love to help others and I am interested in psychology and coming out issues.

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