23 septembre 2023

How do I tell my friend I like her when I'm not sure she is okay with homosexuality?

I’m a high school student and I’ve always had crushes on guys, but they types of guys I liked were « unattainable », whether they were married or whatever.
Anyway, just recently I’ve started having « thoughts » about one of my female friends at school. I mentioned the « unattainable guys » because I think that subconsciously I was picking them because I didn’t really want to get the guys.
I’ve always been a tomboy and all; people, even my parents, have thought that I could be a lesbian or bisexual. Anyway, my concern isn’t about my sexuality, I don’t care if I’m bi, gay, or hetero, all I want to know is what do I do about this friend of mine.
I really like her and all. I think about her constantly and she’s the only person I ever WANT to hang out with. I want to tell her because it would be so lovely to BE WITH her, but I’m afraid that she will be scared off by my little dilemma. I’ve never done something like this and would love to know « how do I tell her »?

Hillary Greer

Hi Veronica, thanks so much for your question.

First of all, I have to say that I love your confidence! A lot of people your age who are just discovering their sexuality may feel freaked out and terrified at the realization that they might not be straight. You seem genuinely ok with the possibility that you might be a lesbian or bisexual. Good for you.

Now, about the situation with your friend. This is a hard situation whether you are straight, gay, or bi. Even if you were having romantic feelings for one of your male friends right now, it would still be hard to decide how exactly (and even if you should) tell him about it. But from the way you asked your question, I’m assuming you’ve already decided that you are going to tell her how you’re feeling. So lets look at your options. Have you ever talked to your friend about anything like this before? Do you know if she is open minded and accepting of homosexuality? If you haven’t then this might be a first step. Test the waters. See how she reacts if you bring up a gay-themed subject (this could be something you’ve read in the news like gay marriage for example). If this goes well and your friend seems to not be homophobic, then you could try telling your friend that you think you might be a lesbian. See how supportive she is of you, maybe she’ll share some of her own feelings and you could build on that. If everything is positive at this point then you might want to say something like « I have a pretty big crush on a girl right now », your friend will probably want to know who you have a crush on, and there you go, you can answer however you feel comfortable.

This is never an easy thing to do and always involves a bit of risk. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I think it is great that you want to share your feelings with your friend because you never know what could happen, and life is about taking risks and being honest with the people you care about! You do need to be prepared for any sort of reaction though. Your friend has every right to react in her own way and to have her own feelings about your confession. Your honesty could freak your friend out and she may distance herself from you. Hopefully this won’t happen, but if it does at least you’ve been true to yourself. And really, do you need a friend that is going to turn her back on you because of something like this anyway?

Good luck and thanks for writing!