How do I keep my boyfriend though I’m insecure?

Hello Angel,

Thank you for writing in to us at AlterHéros. It seems that you are in a pretty difficult situation right now. From your letter, it sounds like you are happy with your boyfriend but you feel insecure about your relationship with him when you compare it to the relationship his brother has with his girlfriend. This insecurity appears to be causing trouble between you and your boyfriend.

Before worrying about the relationship with your boyfriend, it might be worthwhile to explore why you have been experiencing feelings of insecurity. You mention that you feel jealous of your boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend, of her simplicity, salary and good job. It is understandable that you compare yourself to someone who shares some similarities with you (i.e. she is from the Philippines, she’s dating your boyfriend’s brother etc…), however, just because she seems successful in her work, this does not mean that she is doing better than you. You say that you have moved to Dubai to work. This means that you must have desirable skills for someone to hire you all the way from the Philippines. If you don’t feel like you are proud of yourself and your own accomplishments, try doing activities that make you feel empowered: focus all of your skills into trying to resolve the problems you are encountering at work, take on a new hobby or sport that you enjoy, or try doing some fulfilling volunteer work. Doing things that will help you feel good about yourself is one of the best cures for insecurity.

With respect to your boyfriend, if you want to stay with him, it is imperative let him know how important he is and how happy you are being his girlfriend. Tell him you are not comparing him to his brother but that you feel intimidated by his brother’s girlfriend’s success. Take care to reassure him that this jealousy is not a reflection on how you feel about him. The other important thing to address is your assumption that your boyfriend is not proud of you. If you feel this way, tell him so that you can get the reassurance that you need to feel more secure in your relationship. If he tells you that he is proud of you, make an effort to believe him and trust that he means it.

In a romantic relationship, it is important to be happy with yourself and happy with your partner. Don’t worry about what other people are doing; different people will behave differently in their relationships and they will have their own set of joys and difficulties. As happy as a couple may seem, you can never be sure how well they are doing without being in the relationship yourself. Hopefully you’ll be able to work through your insecurities and talk things through with your boyfriend.

Thank you so much for writing in to us and please feel free to write again if there are any changes or developments that you wish to talk more about. Good luck!


K-Wo for AlterHéros

About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

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