thanks for your question.
If I understand correctly, you are wondering whether you are transgendered or whether you have a fetish or a fantasy about having male parts and having sex with a woman. It also sounds like you feel that there are advantages to being part of the male gender (you say you hate being a girl and you would be more confident as a guy). It seems that all these things are pretty confusing and you are worried about what they mean.
First, I’d like to thank you for your honesty about what worries you. Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong or abnormal about the behaviors and fantasies you describe. It also takes time to figure these questions out, so I would encourage you to be patient with yourself.
Take time to observe your feelings and thoughts when you wear masculine clothes and when you stuff your underwear. Why do you think you would be more confident as a guy? “Hating” your female parts and thinking they are “disgusting” are strong statements – where do you think such intense feelings about your body come from? It may be that you do actually feel more comfortable being part of the male gender. You may feel that looking male, having a male name, etc feels inherently more “right.” Remember that for some people, figuring out that they are transgendered and going through with the necessary changes can take years, so it is OK to take the time you need to think about these questions.
It may also be that acting masculine allows you to experience certain things that you can’t (or can’t give yourself permission to) as a girl. For example, and this will appear dated, in the course of history, women had had to dress up as men in order to go to University. Prior to equal-opportunity, women who have wanted to do supposedly male-only jobs, like being doctors or executives, have had to act and/or were perceived as more “male-like”, i.e. more strong and more aggressive. Is there something you desire, but cannot give yourself (as a girl) permission to obtain, because you feel that something is not “girl-worthy”?
I would also like to mention that sometimes we act out our attraction to the same sex (not being transgendered) by having fantasies where we pretend to be someone of the opposite sex (having a penis). The same thing goes for wearing more masculine clothes (some lesbians are more “butch” than others). On the other hand, wearing more masculine clothes can also be solely an expression of a personal style.
I hope this helps. Please consult a mental health professional (like a counselor or a psychologist) or speak with your doctor or nurse if you feel you are becoming very distressed and you need to talk one on one with a professional. There are also many discussion groups available online.
You might like to look at this forum thread, about someone with similar issues, as she discusses and tries to figure out what she feels and why she feels it, and whether or not she (he) is trans. Sometimes it helps to hear someone else’s story first-hand to understand our own issues, and how we might go about solving them.
Take a peek also, at these sites, which talk about gender identity crisis and what it means to have gender ‘dysphoria’:
Thanks for your question.
Please write back if there is anything else.
Rimma, for Alterheros