Gay/Transsexual porn turns me on but I’m sure I’m straight.


Hey Geoff,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros and also, thank you for the pat on the back! It's always nice to get some positive feedback from our readers.

Now on to your question! From your post, your problem seems to be the following: even though you've always identified as straight, you're finding yourself turned on by the act of gay/transsexual sex and it's making you question why you're having these feelings as well as your sexual orientation.

When it comes to what turns people on, this little subject can be pretty tricky. It can be pretty darn stressful when we get sexually aroused by something that we don't want to be sexually attracted to. It can happen to anyone and can happen at any point in life. Some event may happen during childhood that sticks with us for life, like a person having a fetish for glasses because he or she had a mega crush on their second grade teacher who wore a particular type. Sometimes certain fantasies blossom later on in life either during adolescence or adulthood when we discover new, stimulating and tantalising sexual practices that we were before unaware of (e.g. bicuriosity, swinging, BDSM* etc…). For some unlucky folk, they may even discover an attraction that can be extremely embarrassing or even illegal depending on what it is (e.g. diapers, animals, children etc…). Lucky for you however, your attraction to same sex pornography is extremely common and not illegal whatsoever in Switzerland.

So what to do now? You said that you are dissatisfied that you have no control over what turns you on and that you wish that you didn't have feel the way you do. Unfortunately, feelings in general are really hard to be able to control and even explain. It's only natural that when we are bothered by something, we try to understand the root of the problem. Your feelings may stem from something that you've been repressing or it might be just because you find gay/transsexual sex really raw and fascinating. In the end though, does it really matter? Whatever the reason, when it comes to feelings, whether it be sexual attraction, jealousy, sadness, anger, or even happiness, when humans feel an emotion, it is hard for us to contain or ignore them.

When it comes to your particular problem however, it seems that your discomfort stems from the fact that you're worrying that these feelings mean that you're turning bi or gay, which would compromise your happy heterosexual orientation. Rest assured however that if you have no romantic or intimate desire to be with a man, you're not gay! Though you have expressed a fascination with gay/transsexual sex, there's no need to start labelling yourself gay or bi-curious, especially since you've clearly expressed that you do not want any kind of romantic relationship with a man. You're living and enjoying your heterosexuality just fine so this wondering about the sensations of hooking up with another man might simply be nothing more than a curiosity.

If it makes you feel better, sexual feelings and fantasies vary and fluctuate all the time. Straight women often claim to be extremely turned on by gay porn, but they are more than happy with their heterosexuality. As a more extreme example, a lot of straight woman also have rape fantasies but they in no way would want to actually want to experience it with an aggressor in real life. Just remember, the things that turn you on are not necessarily an indicator of your sexual orientation. Feelings come and go; we just have to roll with the punches.

In the end, it will be better to accept that gay porn is a turn on for you, AMONG OTHER THINGS. Remember that it's not the only thing that turns you on. Trying to repress these feelings will only cause grief and a lot of self-questioning and doubt. Hopefully you can learn to own this part of your sexual palate and accept that it's a special quirk that makes you unique. Whether this is a pro or con is all in the eye of the beholder.

If there's anything you'd like to add or clarify or if you have any additional questions or comments, feel free to write in to us again. Good luck!

Sincerely,

K-Wo for AlterHéros


About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

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