27 septembre 2023

Confused about my feelings for both women and men

I’m very confused and could use help. I’m a college student and for most of my life I considered myself straight. None of my relationships with guys worked, they all felt forced. Touching them (even just holding hands) was a chore and kissing them made me Ill. I still wanted to date them, of course, but I couldn’t seem to be attracted or close to them. Eventually, I chalked it up to me just being unable to commit.
Then I got to college and started looking around. I still want to date guys, but I find myself looking at girls with much more interest. I could see myself with them physically, which I never had with guys, but despite that I still don’t know if I’m bi, straight, lesbian, or bi-curious and, since I live in a fairly homophobic area of the country, I have no idea how to figure it out and no one to talk to. Any ideas would be much appreciated.


Hi Rae – thank you for your question.

I have a question for you: Why do you “still want to date guys”? Is it because your family and/or society tells you that you should be with a man or because you feel attracted to men in some ways? If you feel that you are obligated to date men because of peer influences, then there is a good chance that are sexually more attracted to women. Some people find it helpful to explore the question of their sexuality through film and others through the written word. You can browse through online stores such as amazon.com to get an idea of what’s out there.

If you are looking for how-to sex videos (informative), or movies about people discovering their sexuality and coming out to their friends and family, there’s a list of « unforgettable gay coming of age movies » on About.com, though I must mention that they are mostly gay male-themed. But this might still give you insight to some extent:


The film « But I’m a Cheerleader! » is a funny, ironic and interesting movie about misunderstood lesbians (and cheerleaders!), « Tipping the Velvet » is available both in film form, and in written. The original book by Sarah Waters is about Victorian-era lesbians, so that may touch on topics of repression in those days, which could relate to things you are going through now, feeling you live in a homophobic area, with no one to really talk to about your feelings.

« The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love », « Bound », « Better

Than Chocolate », and « Lost and Delirious » are other films you might want to watch for different takes on lesbian relationships.

Other recommended reading: anthologies of best women’s erotica, lesbian erotica and lesbian romance from Cleis Press. See if these ‘turn your crank’, so-to-speak. If they do, perhaps you were right about men not ‘doing it’ for you, and ultimately it wasn’t about a fear of commitment, but maybe because you just don’t ‘fit’ with men as well as you do with women. This is for you to explore, of course.

There are often services at colleges and universities for those questioning their sexuality. If you are at a college that does not offer these services, then you may try going to a larger town nearby and exploring the services offered at other colleges and universities. Sometimes there are also local hotlines you can call to talk about your concerns.

In any case, feel free to write us again if you think of other questions we might be able to help you with.

Good luck!

Team Alterheros