Am I gay or not ?


Hello Will,

Thanks for writing to AlterHéros.

Understanding our attractions, our sexual orientation, is not always an easy task. Some are sexually and emotionally attracted to women, others to men, others to both…and sometimes, we can still divide attraction even more: some are attracted mostly to women, but like the feeling of kissing men, etc. This might be your case, since you’ve said you would like to have a sexual and emotional relationship with a girl, but you also like the idea of kissing and holding guys.

So, maybe you shouldn’t feel obliged to classify yourself with labels (gay, heterosexual, bisexual) but simply look at what interests you, what doesn’t interest you, and seek to meet people who would help you fulfill these interests.

For example, a cute guy might cross your path, and you’d like to kiss him. It’s possible that at that moment, you have no intention of taking it further. You’d then, need to clarify this for him, so as not to give him false hopes of anything more developing.

It’s also possible that you meet a lovely girl who you’d like to build a relationship with. At that time, it would be an option to tell her about your particular attraction to men. The decision to tell her would be up to you.

Being affectionate with males might also be a fantasy of your’s that you might not necessarily want to or need to set in motion. Sometimes, our fantasies can be very rich, and therefore, satisfying to try out ‘in real life’, but others may be more interesting if kept in the fantasy world. This really depends on your values, what’s available to you, etc.

As for your question about ejaculation, I’d like to ask you, have you experienced nocturnal emissions? These are ejaculations that happen while you are asleep and usually having an erotic dream (which you may or may not remember). When you wake up, you discover you’ve ejaculated. If you’ve experienced this, then your body has started to produce enough spermatozoa to have an ejaculation. When you masturbate, try to vary your techniques, try to relax, use outside stimulation if you like (such as erotic imagery). If this doesn’t work, I would advise you to see a sexologist to discover in more depth, what the problem might be.

If you have never experienced nocturnal emissions, it’s possible your puberty has not yet completely ended, and that you aren’t yet producing enough sperm. Puberty for boys can continue, in some cases, into their early 20’s. Again, if in a while, you continue to not have any night-time emissions, I would suggest going to see a doctor, to find out if there is a medical reason for your situation.

Don’t hesitate to contact us again if you have further questions.

François, for AlterHéros.


About François Paquette

Impliqué au sein d’AlterHéros depuis 2004, François fait partie du conseil d’administration depuis 2005, à titre de vice-président puis de directeur de l’intervention. Il occupe ce poste de mai 2005 à mai 2007, puis de novembre 2007 à maintenant. Diplômé de l’UQAM en sexologie et de l’Université McGill en travail social, il a été employé dans de nombreuses organisations communautaires allosexuelles montréalaises, telles que la CJMLH et le REJAQ, en plus de travailler dans différents endroits du réseau de la santé.

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