Are my feelings normal? What should I do? I don’t know if I can stand these feelings.
I’m struggling a lot with my sexual orientation in recent years. Till 2 years ago, I found myself attracted to boys in my class, constantly trying to catch a glimpse of their butts or bulge. I also enjoyed gay porn, and loved looking at pictures of men in underwear. However, over the year, I began to look at straight porn, often in form of animations. My sexual feelings also changes, as I find myself aroused from watching straight porn. In fact, I suddenly find myself less attracted to guys, even though romantically, I still can’t imagine myself with a girl. Swimsuit models often give me semi-erection or outright hard on, while gay porn becomes dissatisfying. Though I usually have gay sexual fantasy, I sometimes imagine being a hot girl having sex with hot guys at school. Nowadays, I develop this deep worry that my gay feeling were fake, and nothing but a phase, which deeply troubles me since I feel so much more comfortable being gay or at least bi. I began to pay attention to how I conduct myself to see if I was “too straight” or “too gay”, trying to match my internal feelings. Contact with guys doesn’t seem to turn me on like it used to, even if I find them attractive. When I’m at my worst, I sometimes focusing excessively on gay guys and gay porn, trying to masturbate to them to confirm my emotions. Yet, I often ended up watching straight porn, and becoming more aroused by them. After each straight masturbation session, I feel bad for enjoying them - a feeling I never had with gay porn. Even when I tried quitting porn for an extensive period (usually a week or more), I find myself in the same situation. At this point, I don’t even know what to do anymore: I tried accepting my feelings, but my hetero side just doesn’t feel right. At the same time, it’s impossible for me to embrace “gay” as a label as this point, seeing that it doesn’t reflect how my attraction is so confusing.