I've been struggling with my gender identity for the past couple of months, though I feel like this has been an ongoing thing I never noticed until now. Every spare moment I have I'm questioning who I am, who I want to be, and who I want to be perceived as.
The main issue is that I don't feel comfortable being seen as a girl anymore. I've tried using some different pronouns to see how I felt, and it was nice for a bit, but I realized there was still something missing. I think I'm still in a lot of denial over how what's missing is the fact that I want to be perceived as a boy, but I feel like I can't have that, because physically, it's logical that I'm not one. Plus, I'm scared of even considering transitioning, it feels like a huge step that I don't know if I'll ever be ready for. While most of the time I'm yearning to be a guy, there are a few times where I feel okay as a girl. It's just so confusing, and I don't want to stick with something and then regret it later.
I also feel like, is the want to be a man a fetishization thing? Because when I see healthy and happy male relationships in books or shows, I feel a sense of happiness from it and can relate to it to an extent. Does that mean these feelings of dysphoria are based on that? Because while it's one thing to put yourself in another character's shoes, I feel like there's a bit more to these feelings than that. Any insight would be really appreciated!