Okay, so first of all, I'm going to be honest, the name I submitted isn't my real name. This isn't a subject I'm comfortable discussing, I live in southern Arkansas and questions of this nature are not generally smiled upon, if you know what I mean.
I'm a 17 year-old male seeking advice regarding whether or not I'm bisexual. I'm sure you get a lot of these, so if you don't feel like dealing with another "Help! I'm confused!", stop reading now. Also, be forewarned this letter is very explicit at points. I'll be as honest as I can.
Like I said, I am a seventeen year old male living in Arkansas. Publicly, I am straight, completely straight. I have a very attractive girlfriend at the moment, and whether we are or not, we believe we are in love. It's not the first time, and I'm sure I won't be the last, but I digress.
Beginning with my trivial qualities, I am very very effeminate. I've never had a girlfriend who's been more into personal care than myself, and I'm the kind of guy who has Cameron Macintosh's Les Miserables memorized, hahaha...
But these are all stereotypes and serve little to help me discern my sexuality.
I have quite a few homosexual friends. Not to be conceited, but I am generally considered an attractive person, by both males and females. And I get hit on a lot by homosexuals. I find it really flattering and take it as a compliment. It doesn't bother me at all. I am not one of those people who holds the belief that homosexuality can be equated with a propensity for serial rape, and there's a very good reason I get passes from homosexual men. For lack of a better term, I set off "gaydar". Almost everyone I know thinks I'm either gay or bisexual, even my girlfriend.
In more personal terms, let me begin by saying that I love pornography and masturbate at least once a day, I'm not ashamed of that. I am a very sexually adventurous person, and have done some fairly wild things with my partners, and the pornography I enjoy is not an exception.
I can, and have gotten off to almost every form of pornography in existence. I'm not going to lie, I'm a freak. Lesbian porn used to turn me on, but after a while I found it boring.
My favorite type of pornography used to be mmf porn. That is, two men and one woman. I also like transexual-woman, transexual-man, man-woman... and man-man porn. I can masturbate and get off to a picture of a naked man, but the same is true for women.
The idea of anal sex arouses me, and I often masturbate anally. I cannot remember the last time I had a sexual dream that didn't involve another man.
It's very strange, because I don't view men as sexual entities. I have never had a crush on a member of the same sex. I have never had a sexual thought about any member of the same sex I have come in contact with that wasn't prompted through intense sexual contact. As a child, I enjoyed looking at women in bikinis and never even thought about a man as a sexual being. I have never seen a man outside of pornography and thought he was attractive. That's not to say I can't judge a man's physical attractiveness, even the straightest men can do that, by "attractive" I mean sexually arousing based solely on appearance.
I know I could never have a romantic relationship with another man, date another man, or even feel romantic love for another man.
But I have had sexual relations with another man... multiple sexual relations with another man. This includes passive, active, (sorry to have to use those terms!) and oral relations. However, I never ejaculated (although I probably could have), I had trouble maintaining an erection, and I found myself trying to imagine he was a woman.
But I did it again, nonetheless. I told my homosexual friends what I had done, and they were, in general disgusted, because the man I had relations with is not considered to be extremely desirable. Most of them commented that they themselves would have been unable to have relations with him.
I have made out with members of the same sex, usually I am intoxicated, but not always, and it's always passionate, and I almost always become aroused.
But I most definitely prefer women. Always, even when I am aroused by another man, I want a woman.
And when I view homosexual porn, which oftentimes can become quite frequent, I am not as able to picture myself in a fantasy as I am with heterosexual porn, most of the time, I can't at all. But at the same time, I have gotten off to homo-erotic sex stories.
A few months ago, I was sure I was bisexual. Not long after, I decided I was mistaken and was sure I was heterosexual. Now I'm not sure. I stopped looking at homosexual porn, not out of shame or disenchantment, but as a matter of personal preference. I have been into lesbian porn again for a while, but now I'm into male homosexual porn again, as well. This morning, I viewed male homosexual porn twice and even had a homosexual fantasy, but this evening all I wanted to look at was lesbian porn.
But this is always true:
I could never think of a heterosexual man I knew sexually. I have never thought about male actors, musicians, or furthermore any pop idol as someone I would even want to hold hands with. Women are SO much hotter. My favorite thing to do is to give a woman oral stimulation. I have never had a Platonic friendship with a girl that didn't eventually become sexual or romantic, and I have never had anything but Platonic thoughts about my male friends.
Imagining myself in a sexual relationship with even my most desireable male friend causes me to grimace.
Honestly, the prospect of having sex with another man again is attractive, but I'm wondering if perhaps that this is one of those things one fantasizes about from time to time but shouldn't really practice. I would not even be emailing you, I would be sure I was bisexual, except for one thing: When I was with another man, it felt wrong. I did it again, anyway, though, and my feelings might have been a product of my southern baptist upbringing (I'm agnostic), but I felt like I had made a mistake when I touched his penis.
So what's the concensus? Am I bisexual? I know bisexuality doesn't necessarily mean equal attraction to both sexes, so I'm confused. For reference, my Kinsey scale rating is between 1 and 2.
Thank you for your time, I know my querie was a little long-winded and somewhat explicit. I appreciate any help or guidance you can give me.