I have questioned my sexuality basically my entire life. I have always felt more attracted to women than men. But always dated men because it was considered "normal". My first kiss ever, was with a girl. My first sexual experience was with a girl. My best friend in middle school and I messed around a lot and spent just about every day with her. But when she finally wrote me a letter telling me how she felt towards me and that she wanted to be more than just my friend, It pissed me off. I was really mean to her and just stopped being friends with her altogether. For years, off and on I messed around with another one of my friends but convinced myself that we were just having fun. And Everytime she tried to make it more official, It would irritate me. Both of us, were off and on in relationships with men.
Anytime I've been in a relationship with a guy, I've always struggled with letting go of the "gay thoughts". I'd always choose spending time around females than I would my boyfriend/partner. I've always been more comfortable around females than men. Everytime I was in a straight relationship with a guy, I always felt like I couldn't fully be myself.
It wasn't until I finally decided to stop being in a straight relationship and started seeing a female. She was/is so pretty and funny and that was the first time in my entire life where I felt genuinely happy and completely myself.
Being in straight relationships with men, It was very rare that I ever made the first move but being with her was completely different. I wanted to kiss her, hold her hand, literally just be next to her.
But the thought of coming all the out was literally terrifying. I don't know why. I wanted to commit and ask her to be my girlfriend soo bad but I did the exact opposite. All the thoughts like, what Is my life going to look like being in a relationship with a female, what if this is just a phase for her, how are both of our kids gonna react, there was so many questions that spiked my anxiety to the point that I just ghosted her and went back to seeing men and made excuses and was kinda mean to her. I've always been more okay with public relationships with men but I struggled with them privately, being with a female is opposite.
So is it normal to reject your sexuality? How do I become more comfortable with it?