It so happens that people who consider themselves as or know of the homosexual orientation can attest to how difficult it can be for someone to accept themselves as a gay, lesbian, or bisexuel individual. It is often referred to as “internalized homophobia” and could explain the reason as to why you would like “to hide myself and never leave my hiding place” as opposed to living out and exploring your homosexuality.
What could prove be useful is to question yourself with respect to what makes you feel anxious and sad when the moment comes to enter into a relation to with another women. Do harbour any prejudices or false beliefs towards homosexuality, are you surrounded by people that are not open to homosexuality, are you able to speak openly to those close to you about your attraction towards women, or do you tell yourself: “I cannot be a lesbian, I do not want to be lesbian, etc.?”
In fact, in this situation it’s possible that only bouts of reflexion could help you to see things more clearly. In addition, there are some great Internet sites worth checking out, such as AlterHéros, which deal with “internalized homophobia;” all that’s required is to spend a little bit of time to do some research. Moreover, if you need to speak to someone about the difficulties you’re experiencing with respect to your sexual orientation, I suggest contacting a telephone help-line, such as Interligne at 1-888-505-1010, so that you can anonymously and confidentially discuss your situation with people that understand what you are experiencing and who may have once experienced the same feelings themselves.
We wish you good luck in your journey and urge you to continue to be courageous.