13 March 2008

Under what circumstances would a man get very nervous about a male friend?

Under what circumstances would a man get very nervous about a male friend he has known over 30 years? He said he does not like his friend’s behavior. He talked several times about his friend and he told me he was very frustrated that his male friend did not get him a good 40th birthday present. Why is that?
He says his friend is being is being a bad friend. Why? I asked him if his friend has a wife, but he ignored the question. Why?
I need help. I still love him a lot but I really need to know the truth. What to do and what to ask? He is a very sensitive person and I am afraid he might be upset if I don’t phrase the question properly.
I would appreciate your opinion on this.

catherine duguay

Hi Karen,

First, I would like to thank you for your question.

I realize you must be in a confusing situation. If you are worried that something is happening between your companion and an old friend, I would try to talk to him in a way that is sensitive and non-accusatory… For example you could start by asking: How is your friend? Are you worried about your friend? Do you two get along like you used to? Has something bad happened? Etc… I would try to understand what is going on before assuming anything. This may be a personal issue he has had with his friend for a long time.

I would also emphasize the fact that you love him, that you are there for him, that you are worried about him and that you are available at all times if he needs to talk or tell you something. I think that is all you can do for now, since you do not really know what is going on. Hopefully he will feel comfortable enough to open up once you reassure him. If he does not, then there may be another reason he does not wish to talk. If you are close to this friend of his and if your companion doesn’t open up to you, you can also try to discuss it with that friend… Of course, if your companion is completely opposed to you discussing this situation with his friend, then you should definitely abstain, as it could make things worse.

There are several issues that remain unclear to me: has your companion done something else that warrants this suspicion? Has he been more distant? Has he always seem attracted to the same gender? What evidence do you have that he might be? Did anything else happen that might conduce you to think he may be attracted to or having an affair with this person? These are questions you can ask yourself as well before discussing this issue with him.

The most important thing in a relationship remains good, open, genuine communication between two individuals. Remember that talking about how you feel towards his behavior rather than complaining about these behaviors in-and-of itself can help initiate a productive discussion.

I hope this helps…Please feel free to write to us again if you have other questions!

-Catherine, for AlterHeroes