8 December 2008

Living a Lie



I used to call myself androgynous. I needed to be androgynous. I wanted to be a boy but I thought I could find a middle ground so I didn’t have to go that far. But every time I would stare in the mirror, I would see a female, a boy in the wrong body.

The day I told myself I was androgynous was one of the happiest days of my life. The day I came out to my friends was the day I thought those feelings would go away. I thought that nagging desire to be a boy would somehow vanish. But the more comfortable I got being “androgynous” the more I started to shift to the boy side without thinking. I wasn’t so much as genderless but I was definitely switching roles.

It all started with my first purchase of a boy’s t-shirt. I started to feel extremely comfortable, like I was actually able to express myself and I didn’t have to worry about anything trans. I only worried because being born a female the surgery to become a man is very complicated and much more expensive then the male to female. It also does not work as well.

So I began to want to take testosterone. Not so I could become a boy (or so I thought) but just to get some qualities. The more I researched it the more it got into my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That middle ground did not work and I finally discovered that I… I wanted to be a… boy.

Unlike when I discovered I was androgynous (or told myself that I was) this was one of the most TERRIFYING experiences to ever go through. I never felt so alone. But because trans men are hardly ever talked about, I always felt alone. Everyone talks about male to female transsexuals but you never really hear of female to male transsexuals.

It took a nights rest to accept this was a permanent feeling. It was the feeling that has been eating away at me since I was a child. It didn’t take long until I was on my way to working on my gender. It took merely a day to be able to smile. I was scared yet obviously complete at the same time. And although it wasn’t that amazing (lying) feeling that I got when I told myself I was androgynous, this one was true.

I guess it really takes a lot, different steps and stages just to finally get yourself. I didn’t think it would be this complicated and I’d go through these many identity changes. However I finally accepted I will not be complete unless I am a boy. Top and bottom surgery are a must! I will start taking T and I have already begun my transition, even if it is just with admitting to myself and looking at myself as just like every other teenager just in the wrong body.

I wish I could give people some hero story however I was a hero to myself. I finally saved myself from making one of the largest mistakes of my life and lying to myself. I know if I didn’t come out to myself when I did, things could have been maybe even more complicated. And though I may not know if my family will accept me, I hope they would accept me as their son.

I took big steps in few days such as getting a doctors appointment for a therapist who specializes on trans and gender identity issues. This is a dreams work, finally in progress. I will get to be the man I always wanted and though it may be so much harder and more complicated then being androgynous, this is the only way I will ever feel complete.