7 May 2007

I want to find my lesbian friend a girlfriend

One of my best friends is a lesbian but she is very lonely and always having platonic romances with impossible (straight) people!! I really want to find her a girlfriend, cause I think she is not confident enough (she is a bit overweight). She is a lovely funny warm intelligent person. How can I help her? I do not want to upset her, but I think somebody (and it won’t be her) needs to do something

François Paquette

Hi Nadia,

Thanks for writing to AlterHeros. I understand that your friend, a lesbian woman, is always falling in love with heterosexual girls. She lacks confidence in herself and you want to help her to be happy.

First of all, I want to ask you what your friend wants in her life. You want to find her a girlfriend. Does she feel the same way ? Some people might want only platonic relationships with inaccessible people because they are not ready for real relationships. On the other hand, if what your friend wants is a real relationship, you may want to see with her what are the characteristics of those straight women that are attractive to her. Is it because they are inaccessible ? Is it a physical trait ? A personality trait ?

Has she ever met or had a relationship with another lesbian girl ? If yes, where and when did she met her ? If no, are there any resources in your town for lesbian women ? Social activities, sports clubs, anything that can interest your friend and may link her to other lesbian women… if she is ready and interested to meet with other lesbian girls. Finding her a girlfriend without implicating her in the process is maybe not the best way to help her; it won’t help her gaining self confidence if you are doing some steps for her. Maybe she will find this insulting… How will you react if you were in her situation and someone were trying to find you a boyfriend?

You said that your friend is very lonely. Is it directly because she is single, or is it loneliness in general ? If it’s loneliness in general, finding her a partner won’t solve all the problems. Gaining trust in herself before entering into a relationship may be helping more than the contrary ; entering into a relationship without self-confidence may be more devastating than helping.

Also, gaining some self-confidence may help her in every part of her life. Every person has his or her own technique of gaining self-confidence. For some people, its achieving good results in something they do (sports, school, work) ; for other people, it can be through activities like yoga, or arts ; for other people, seeing someone like a psychologist or a sexologist may be a good way of gaining self confidence. Some people are also volunteering in social, environnemental, associative organisation; it could help self-confidence to help others. However, it can take years… gaining more self-confidence is a lifelong process.

For the moment, maybe you could have a conversation with her about what she wants (Is she ready for a relationship? What kind of relationship she would like to have? Now or later? What kind of women would interest her? …). Then, if she wants a relationship and want to starting to meet other women, you can help her to find places where she could do so. If she doesn’t or if she isn’t ready, you can’t force her to; it’s her life so her choices.

Hope it helps,

François, for AlterHeros