#not gay
13 February 2008

I am not gay but I am attracted to my guy friend

I am not gay but right now I feel attracted to my guy friend and would like to have sex with him. I have never done something like this before. What should I do? I want to do it but then I think about what he will think of me. Also the first time is always hard, what should I do to make it easy to have sex with him? I cannot sleep properly because I have fantasies of him having sex with me. Please help me!

Dee Gamme

Hi S,

Thank you for your question.

I actually have a few questions myself concerning your situation that would help clarify the relationship you have with this friend. So what exactly is the nature of the relationship between you and this person? Are you very close friends, or acquaintances? It is possible to want to be with a man if your friendship is very strong, even if he is the only man you are attracted to. This does not necessarily mean you are gay. There are some people that, in their whole life, only have one homo-erotic experience and are completely happy with heterosexual relations the rest of the time, without regretting their one experience with the same gender. Some other people are bi-curious and like to experiment, but are essentially ‘straight’. You should explore your own feelings and attractions to men (or this one man in particular) to figure out which direction you would like to go.

You can try to explain to your friend that he is the only guy you are attracted to and that you are confused about this. If he reacts positively to this, you can then ask him if he would be interested in a sexual relationship with you. He might respond to this by saying he is not gay, but you can clarify that you don’t think you are either, but that you are simply attracted to him in particular. He could take this as a compliment, even if he is not interested in pursuing this further. If you deal with this in a diplomatic and delicate manner, it is possible this could reinforce your relationship. However, I don’t think that direct physical advances would be appropriate in this case. This could be disturbing for your friend if you don’t have an honest discussion with him first.

I understand it is hard to talk about this, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know if he would be willing to become your lover. Then again, you should only discuss this with him if you feel ready to disclose this information and if you feel at ease with the possible consequences… Some individuals are not comfortable with the notion of homosexuality and could also react negatively. It depends what kind of person your friend is, how comfortable he is with his sexuality and how open-minded he is.

Good luck, and if you have any more questions, please feel free to contact us again in the future,

Dee, for Alterheroes