10 September 2008

I am attracted to men sexually, but I go out with women

I have fantasies about men and maturbate while thinking about men on my cross-country team. And I also masturbate while thinking about pictures of naked men I can find on the computer. And I had my penis sucked by one male and I sucked his penis as well. But right after I’m done with everything I still don’t lose interest in men. But I do not date men. I only date women. I am attracted to women in terms of going out with them but not sexually. What does this make me? Should I tell the men I want to have sex with the most how I feel or just keep it a secret? Should I ask them to have sex? I am just unsure now because I am attracted to them for different reasons.

JP Duc

Hi Owinn,

Thank you for yor question. In terms of your attraction to men and women, it could indicate that you are bisexual. However, labels are labels, and what your actual sexual orientation is may not fit one of the labels (bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, pansexual, asexual).

During your teen years, your true sexual orientation starts to clarifies itself. You may like women and men more or less during certain times… you may like one over the other sexually or even both at the same time. It seems that you are in the questioning phase and that you are seeking confirmation that this type of attraction exists and that it is normal you’re feeling this way: the answer is yes. Because sexual orientation and identity is up to the individuals themselves. Only you know and can affirm how you feel, who and what you are attracted to, and the reasons behind the attractions, whether they are sexual or non-sexual.

Often with teenagers and young adults around 25 and under, what they are feeling deep inside, and what feels ok or good to them is not always concordant… However, in sexual orientation there is no right or wrong answer: everyone goes through the process of self-identification and confirmation (although in some people this step comes much later in life, as they may be facing or have internalized strong moral, cultural, religious or societal pressures or beliefs).

In your case, you mention you may like men sexually and woman esthetically. Good communication is always important in all types of relationships, from just sex to long-term relationships. If you feel comfortable talking and telling men or women what you want and being fair in your needs, then you should go ahead. Before you do this however, you have to wonder about the consequences of your self-disclosure and whether you are ready and willing to face them. Some people choose to tell individuals very close to them first and later discuss their coming-out with a larger group.

Give yourself time. You may need 1, 2 or 3 years of questioning before you feel fully comfortable to live your life in the context of your own unique sexuality. And don’t be scared to try different things with other people who are open-minded.

The team at AlterHeros wishes you all the best. Please don’t hesitate to write back if you have other questions,

Jean-Pierre Duchastel, for AlterHeros